So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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