the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
