my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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