guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
