tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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