The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
