my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
