I wanna bring you to show and tell
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
