The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
