Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
we're so committed to being not committed
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
