Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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