your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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