Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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