He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
