He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
