She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
