I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
be right there i have to get my cape
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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