i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
