i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
