420 ftw
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
