Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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