I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
