So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
