I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
