you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
