I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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