he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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