Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Randomize
