had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
