About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
