do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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