for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
