a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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