God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Randomize
