I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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