pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
