saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
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