I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
