I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
