2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
