I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
