the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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