I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
