Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
