His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I licked your asshole in confidence.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
