well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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