Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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