for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
