He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
