She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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