Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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