margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
this hospital has no fireball
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
