Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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