K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I can't turn off my feet"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
